Note: I wrote this last week the day everything changed. I’ve read it a week later and I have to say I don’t feel any different.
Matthew 10: 29-31 were the verses my friend from church sent to me. I read it three times before I felt complete calm wash over my body.
Those verses would resonate in my mind for the next 7 days. “and even the very hairs on your head are numbered”.
Nothing is by accident. Nothing is done without care. Why do miscarriages exist? Because we have a heavenly father that designed the human body so well that it takes care of things that are not going to turn out in his will.
That October day my husband greeted me at the door with a box of pregnancy tests and a bouquet of flowers. He’s got a servants heart. We had decided that this being our first attempt at a baby we would be okay with a negative or a positive. We would not be scared or anxious or let down.
…We were pregnant.
How can you become so attached in mere months to something that you have never met, smelled, touched, or heard? Is there another sense at work? We learn as children the way you come to know things, become attached to things is by your senses…what explains a baby?
Several weeks later. I was absolutely shocked to find that I had started bleeding. I hadn’t had any problems. I had been taking care of myself. Drinking water. Eating vegetables. Sleeping (lots of sleeping). Two ER visits down we knew our baby was alive. We had a heartbeat. We were okay. Something else was causing this problem.
Days pass. No change. I know something is wrong. I started to release thoughts of loss. Still, I held out a torch. There was a heartbeat. The chances of losing a baby after a heartbeat are so much smaller. We are ok I told myself.
We were not okay. We were losing our most precious love. Three days later I was driving back from a client and I just knew. I was in pain. During those two hours I had the most spiritual encounter I have ever had in my life.
In the car that night I turned on my latest favorite worship song “Oceans” by Hillsong and I sang the chorus over and over “spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior….”
Suddenly I just submitted everything. I literally said out loud “Jesus, if you have to take this baby then take it. I’m not angry with you. I’m okay. Do what needs to be done and just help me find the peace I know you can give me”. I must have said that several times with a face full of tears. Was I happy about it? NO. Did I trust that God had a plan for me? YES. A huge plan…bigger than I could see. If these were my cards I was just plain and simple ok with it. Was I scared? Absolutely. I had never truly submitted something so against my will.
Last year I came across a prayer in my devotional that just simply stated “God, let your will be done today. If you and I don’t agree on what that will is, give me the strength to submit to you”. I wrote that prayer down and I put it in my desk drawer at work. I believe that prayer was prepping me for this very moment in my life.
That night when I got home I lost our sweet baby. It was scary. Surreal. I would be lying if I didn’t say traumatic. …but I was okay. Was there an ocean full of tears? Probably. That’s a sad thing. Being a good Christian and fully submitting your life to Jesus does not mean you somehow are immune to pain. It hurt. Like hell. I’m sure I’ll keep a little ache in my heart for a while about this lost baby. But I feel happy. For the first time in my life I went up against a storm and I submitted completely.
When I had to go to the doctor and really face it in black and white on a screen with doctors I felt strong. After it happened Blake and I talked for at least an hour without shedding a tear. We counted every blessing we have and just felt so thankful that if we were going to miscarry that we were fortunate enough to have not tried for years to get pregnant and then lost the baby. We felt thankful that things didn’t happen much later in the game. For a situation that is SO common we felt like we had been dealt the easy way out. Not to make light of what it was and call it easy….just putting things in perspective….we felt blessed. I told Blake that I felt absolutely no void in my heart. I didn’t feel empty or like a single thing was missing from my life. All those times they tell you that once you let Jesus in he fills all the voids in your heart finally had crystal clear meaning. A baby will be icing on our cake. We feel like we’ve been blessed with more than we deserve and we still are healthy, have each other, have our parents, have jobs we love….we just felt…thankful. I knew that for the word thankful to be used in the same night we miscarried was completely the work of God.
I can say without a doubt that this was the most intense spiritual awakening I’ve ever had. A few days before we miscarried I remember begging God to give me a sign ….or just show me what I was learning from this….or what he wanted me to do with it. The “WHY God” questions came on…the “I know you have a plan” and “I know you can make this work if you want to” feelings rolled in. “BE STILL” is honestly the only thing I kept hearing back. I’m not known for being a patient person….in fact, while all of this was happening my mom had been reminded by my grandmother than when I was little I would measure and weigh our cat every single day to check for growth. That’s so like me. Being still is just NOT my talent in life. However, my spiritual gift is Mercy. I’ve been given the gift of translating God’s love to Earth. To show people the blessings he can bring. To reflect his love and heart into the world. That is a job I take seriously and I feel like I’ve experienced this so that I can show people love through pain.
I wanted to share this story with everyone because I KNOW someone out there will go up against a storm soon, or is now, and I just want to challenge you to say “I’m done fighting this…you do what you need to do here and I’m going to be okay”. I feel so confident that you will be blessed. Things may not go your way….you may shed tears and feel heart ache but you will be ok. You’ll come out on the other side with trust in the right place…. to “trust God without borders”. It’ll change your life if you let it.
Blake and I don’t know what tomorrow will hold for us but we have taken confidence out of an unlikely situation. I don’t feel abandoned or mislead by God. I honestly feel quite the opposite. While I’ll not forget this because it really is like these pictures below say…. I will live with this and keep a joyful heart.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
An outpouring of love has come in over the past few days. Stories of those who have been down this road and comfort from those who have not. All of this love truly does mean the world to us. We are in good places, physically and emotionally and we remain incredibly thankful.
I appreciate everyone telling me they missed our blog while I was snoozing away the past couple of months. Now that I can officially smell paint again if I want to I have plans to get our home office into shape before January. Like the Home Depot says “Let’s do this!”
If you want to figure out what your spiritual gift might be click here for a free “online test” haha that seems funny but don’t feel weird about it at least it’s a jumping off point. I highly suggest at least trying to figure out what you can bring to everyone’s life around you! If you want to hear the song Oceans by Hillsong you can click here. Source for that sweet sparrow picture above here.
Thank you to all of your for your love and support. We love all of you!
God is still God. God is still Good. To God be all the Glory.